it's another day that i come back to my home in the afternoon. was having a small steamboat session with my band mates and 4 other friends. nothing special. only so call a thank you dinner. recieved some presents from my bandmates and friends this year. and not forgetting to thank those who left their wishes to me through card, sms, emails and calls. these few days i'm on leave from work. taking a few days break to rest myself. now other than the SOIS studio, my dad and brother, nothing is more important than anything now...

was a bit rush yesterday when my grandma asked us in to have lunch together. she claims that we are all day eating outside so frequently. not having the chance to eat home cook food. her heart is aching when she sees us slim down. and for the first time after my mother's death, that's the only time i have the chance to eat home-cooked food.

but in future i tell myself. even more i must cook for my dad and brother. since i've learnt them from my mum. though not very fabulous dishes. but good enough to be a meal at least. away from MSG and preservatives. time really flies .... it's already 3 weeks plus since my mum had passed away. nothing really bothers me now... will be starting to work again on the 29th oct.... now for next month my pay will be cut by half of what i'm getting. so my pocket will be much tighter next month. because my next month pay is based on this month's work. but i didn't really work alot this month. so ....

anyway i'll be away this weekend till the 8th nov. taking on a long trip to los angeles. just pray that everything is fine... try to view the photos in the gallery the next few days. will upload some stuffs of what present i've got this year. :P

it's almost 3 weeks after my mother's death. it took me really quite some time to actually climb up from the fall and back to at least normal days in work. back on the 5th oct, when i woke up for work, my mum on the very day morning woke me up at 5.50am and make chicken essence for me before i go work. it's like a normal day ....

when i was working, i really have no time to look at the watch on my hand and i was so tired and busy from my days in renovating the studio. and actually after my flight that day i wanted to get to the studio and carry on working. but i received a call from home... telling me to go back home immediately. i'm really worried.... i don't know what happened. at that point of time i can only take a cab back home as soon as i can and find out what's actually happening.... on the cab, my heart was really in my mouth .... i really don't know how to describe that kind of feeling .... when i reached, my dad broke the news to me that my mum had died....

it's pretty hard to imagine that piece of news. and it's real. a police officer had came to my flat and visit my dad. breaking the news to my dad that my mum had passed away. that day was the very day my heart felt so heavy .... heavier than you never can expect. there's nothing that i can do but just to wait till the next day before we can collect my mum back from the monetary.

it all happened in the afternoon on the 5th of october around 12pm. my mum jumped down from our block of flat and died of multiple injuries.... it's the most heart aching moment of my life that i've lost my dearest mum. that night was really long and dreadful... don't know how to break the news to my uncle. we are really lost.... the first time in my life....

but we still have to inform my uncle who is my mum's closest younger brother ... he rushed down from genting and reached my grandma's place in JB before morning and he accompanied my dad, my brother and me to the monetary to collect my mum. from the morning on the 5th of october, my mum still make me chicken essence, until the 6th october 2005, i saw her on the trolley cold and pale. this moment will be in my memories always .... it's so hard to forget this ...

during the few days of the wake, i just couldn't understand why.... why did she choose this way to end her life just like that. many of our friends to us came down to pay their last respects to her. is really alot of people. more than we had expected. really thanks to the people who make the effort to come all the way down from malaysia or any part in singapore. during her days on earth, she had always been bubbly and always helping the people around her. never would anyone expect that she would suddenly leave us just like that. but i believe that she must have her own reasons in doing so....  that's what we had analyzed. after 20 over years of my life, being brought up by my parents, i had always love her as much as i love my dad. my family members are always my dearest to me. because they had done so much for me ! if not for yesterday, there had never been today for me. and i'll not be the terrence you know today.

what kind of person is my mum ? she's bubbly, cheerful and a very determined person. all her life, she had managed to pull quite a few of the people around her out of suicidal attempts but she committed herself.... it's not a good thing about committing suicide. but i really respect her strength and courage to do it. she must have planned a long time ahead.

she enjoyed helping people around her. for herself, she was not so fortunate during the days when she grew up. leaving her home in JB, coming over to singapore to work and earn money for her family in Johore. you can see her care and concern to those of our tenants during the 1980s to 90s. because she understand their hardship. so she would even take the trouble to cook for them when she's cooking our meals and just ask them to pay abit of grocery expenses. she would even go to the extend of helping them to ask around for jobs and bringing them to take bus in the interchange to go for interviews. this is her style and her life.... always putting herself in other people's shoes to think before herself.

but after her father's death, also my grandfather, she lost her motivation in life to work on. in the past few years, she had been through like over 4 operations already. she had one operation in 2003 for her intestines and another operation in mid 2004 for her growth in the womb, and a recent operation this year to remove one of her kidneys infected with cancerous tumor. for a women of her age at 48 this year, she's a strong women and overcame all the operations in a very short time. always recover faster than what the doctor expected it to be. if she had any thought of dying, she would have rejected the operation already. but she don't want to die because of sickness. don't wanna die due of any sickness....

actually long before any happened, in the past few years during her early 40s she had already said that she wouldn't want to live more than 50 years old. she says that in our family, everyone is very independent, and no one in our family gives her any worries already. she no longer need to worry and take care of us anymore. very often we counsel her and talk to her about not thinking about these things. we even brought her to a psychiatrist. but she's really too smart for a psychiatrist already. she knows herself too.

in the recent years, i always question her and talk to her. asking her about what is she unhappy about. but she says she don't know... she just claims that she's too tired about her life and living days one at a time. she says that she feels tired about living .... so i asked her, are we in need of money to live ? she replied no. are your kids not obedient or not filial enough? she replied no. is your husband ill-treating you in anyway or what ? she replied no. is your health bothering you ? she replied, just see doctor lor. then what's the thing on your mind that's bothering you or creating that thought in you that you don't wanna live ? she just replied, i'm very tired. then tired of what ? i asked. she claims that she don't know too ... my younger brother and i had gone to the extend of self torturing (like burning the cigarettes on arms and slapping ourselves) to make her speak up and stop thinking in this way. but that could only cure her for that point of time only.

in our family, everyone plays a different for my mum during the last few years. my younger brother playing the bad guy who is always  scolding my mum and getting her to do housework. my dad is the one always being the good person beside her accompanying her and watching over her. i'll play the judge in every argument that arises and playing the role of a good son. that's all the effort in helping my mum pull through all these years. never would we realize that we would spent the rest of these years without her.....  most probably she's afraid of dying on the hospital bed. failing to overcome her sickness.... so she choose to end her life in this way. and she had complaint about growth on her bones that had cause constant aching on her back and shoulders. i don't know how much pain is that. but i guess that could be one of the reason contributing as well.

my late grandfather might be another reason for her losing her motivation in life and always worrying about how is her father after death ... she really love her father alot .... and in our family there's nothing that worries her anymore, or more than my late grandfather.

you guys know that the chinese evening papers also wrote about my mum's incident? saying that her look was horrifying and was very disgusting. the f*cking papers is bullshitting ! stupid gossip papers and reporters. according to some neighbours and the people who saw my mum last on the ground of my block, my mum died in the position of facing the floor. and all her limbs were still in tact with no blood splattered on the floor. when i collect my mum's corpse, she's still in 1 whole piece. and everything was still in tact. i would like to clarify that everything the papers said wasn't true.....

at first i hate my mum for leaving us just like that. just when i started to earn money, starting to give her good life for the past 1 year. and our happy family going for holiday.....   but at the same time, i don't wish to see her suffering from illnesses just to see me get married and have kids. and i don't wish to make her suffer to live on in pain about her bone aches....it's very contradicting but i love her .... so i respect her decision for leaving us as well.... no matter what, i'll still carry on my mum's way of life and effort in doing things and helping the people around me. i'll take good care of daddy and lawrence. i'm always your son and "daughter". i must continue to make my mum proud of me .... mummy i love you forever. now i can use the word .... forever we love you,  mummy .....